Why I Can't Do Sundays In My City Yet

It became clear to me that every Sunday brought unhappiness and discomfort into my life. The first time I noticed I had trouble on Sundays I was newly married and my then husband was at work. I could not settle down. I tried to read, then I tried taking a walk, and then listened to music. I would disappear within myself. I had been doing that all my life so I could disappear at will. I learned years later that I would disassociate.

Fast forward many years and many relationships and many disappointments and I am married to my hubby. He and I had shared every single thing about each of our pasts with each other for two years before we got married. So hubby knew me better than anyone ever had.

When I would go through my Sunday discomfort, hubby was at a loss and thought that by leaving me alone to get over my own stuff he was doing the right thing. But it seemed to make it worse. So then hubby, who was awake and up before I was, would return to bed and hold me on Sunday mornings. We found that it helped. No one had done that before either.

One day we were talking about my agitation and discomfort on Sundays and hubby said "Isn't that when the uncle would come to stay on the weekends?" It was like a bulldozing ball had knocked the breath out of me. It finally made sense.

I had been uncomfortable for so many years because I did not have anyone to walk me through it. When I was about four years old I tried to describe what was happening to me to my mother and she said not to worry, it wouldn't happen anymore. But the uncle continued to come every weekend for two years. Not only did I lose trust in my mother, I wasn't a little girl and I began to learn how to disappear. So much so that as an adult I was at the dentist and he asked me how I did that and I asked did what and he said I seemed like I was hypnotized.

Things have come a long way for me. I can rest on Sundays and I am not fidgety and anxious. I can wake up on a Sunday and look forward to the day, not look at the day with dread. Of course I remembered the weekends the uncle would visit but I had put all that behind me. I thought I had.

So now you know one of the reasons I believe my hubby and I were meant to be together. To be with him wholly and completely. No secrets. No fear that he might find out something or use something against me. And he was able to help me see things that I had not been able to do before. I thought I was going through life not using my childhood as an excuse for any of my actions. But the truth was that I never really dealt with it, I just stuffed it down so far that I wouldn't have to take care of it. Avoiding and not facing truth.


For a long time I have wanted to participate in Unknown Mami's Sundays In My City meme, but I am not there yet. I look forward to the day that I can joyfully take photos of the little town where we live and post them on my blog and enjoy that Sunday to the fullest.