July 01, 2011

Guest Post: Five Miles And A Miracle

(Hubby wrote this, and asked to post it here, so here goes... TB)

I want to wander into the emotional and metaphysical forest here, so bear with me.

Five, Miles, and Miracle are words.

Words are a code. This code lets you know many things, depending on the placement of words in another code called a sentence.

So far, so good?

Five is a number, another code which defines everything, as math (quantum physics) is the basis for the universe.

Mile is a unit of length, and here's where we start our path into the woods.

Yesterday I increased my daily riding length to five miles, thanks to an incredible find by TechnoBabe: a nature trail built around the high school's track. I say "the" high school because we only have one here, you know.

I'd been riding a little over four miles by going around the outer streets of town and adding a spectacular one-mile stretch northeast of town. It's a straight, flat (wait, that's redundant, it's all flat here) ride through farm country.

With the new route I can do three laps to the mile on a concrete path through a beautifully serene woodland, and I can ride flat out; no people, no traffic, no intersections, just me and the bike and nature. So I am doing six laps and then riding a half mile to the "long road," as I call it. Five miles.

So, you can understand my code (sentences) because I am using smaller codes (words) in a way that creates a common understanding between us.


Now we're really into it. This word is LOADED with meaning. Five and Miles not so much. Miracle is defined as:
• A surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.
• a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences.
• an amazing product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something.
I will use all of these definitions going forward. Here is how the miracles happened to us.

When I met TechnoBabe for our marathon first meal and chat, she told me many mind-blowing things which happened to her, and as the afternoon wore on I could not believe she wasn't a raving crack addict serial killer. I was amazed at how she handled these catastrophic events and went on to raise a family essentially on her own. I could see an awesome human being hiding back there in the foliage putting out crumbs for me to follow into her soul. She did not know this. Her inner self knew who I was, and had decided to reveal herself.

Now I can see that her ability to transcend this horrible damage was a miracle, not explicable by natural or scientific laws, and thereby caused by a higher power's interaction with her soul.

After six months of dating, we moved in together.

Then the real work began. And I encountered her Protector. This was a psychic response to a dangerously abusive situation. She created this entity before she had words to describe what was happening to her, and it became fully developed after she had to fend for herself after her mother refused to stop her abuse. She learned to dissociate. Then she was sexually assaulted and almost murdered when she was twelve.

Hence, a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences. This extraordinary skill borne of horror allowed her to deal with the pressures of married life with increasingly dysfunctional men, and the raising of three children. As time went by, her Protector kept her from harm by dropping the gauze of slippery personality change over her, but eventually the consequences became unwelcome.

Her Protector took over whenever the slightest threat was perceived. This part of her did NOT trust me, and became increasingly agitated when I did not abandon her or cheat on her.

After a while I realized I wasn't living with a single personality, but I was too busy falling into my own damage to make sense of it. All I knew was that from time to time, she would fall into a scripted, repetitive response to disagreement which sounded like someone I did not know, complete with warped facial features and violent responses.

In August of 2008, some of you know that I had a manic episode caused by thyroid dysfunction. TechnoBabe moved out. When I left the hospital ten days later, we began to pick up the pieces and she eventually moved back in. The miracle here was that she met and learned to trust a therapist who realized and reinforced the same thing I did: she dissociated into another personality. The therapist said she'd never seen anyone flip so fast and so seamlessly. Tell me about it.

Her Protector was rude, dismissive, taunting, mocking, verbally assaultive, and totally blamed me for her feelings and behavior. We learned a Kabuki theatre of arguing, going from a sweet loving couple to horribly damaging spats that seemed to have no beginning, and no end.

Even through all of this, she respected my commitment to my music and in early 2010 played a monumental support role in the creation of Bipolar Shaman, my first CD.

Then the last, or most recent, miracle happened.

Her primary personality took over. She realized that the Protector was keeping her from taking responsibility for her behavior, and that it was killing us. I could fight the Protector to a draw, but as time went by I realized that my part had to change as well. So TechnoBabe became her true self, and I became a new part of our new life.

The Miracle part has been ongoing since December, and it's consistent. If you think about it, two people with catastrophically damaged lives working through the worst shit you could imagine and coming out the other side nearly whole and loving each other more all the time...

We are an amazing product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something.

Something called Love.

(Note: She read this prior to me posting it and didn't blink. This is another miracle of her growth, believe me.)


DJan said...

All of this information is new to me, except the part about the loving relationship you now have. I think I discovered Techno sometime last summer, and you, James, sometime in the last months. So I knew little to nothing about your journey to here.

I agree that your healing and loving connection is nothing short of a miracle, and the fact that you are both so willing to share about it all, makes me feel very grateful and humble as I read about it. Thank you.

Brian Miller said...

nice to meet you what a story. i am glad that the two of you have each other to walk through this with. love is a powerful force and i hope that as you both make continued progress it only deepens for you...

Mrs4444 said...

This is so, so beautiful. I am SO glad I didn't miss this. So happy for both of you. Thanks, Hubs. Enjoy your beautiful new path :)

English Rider said...

All of this took amazing courage and empathy on both sides. Hats off to you both and may your good work and love continue.

LL Cool Joe said...

Hi James, this is a great post. You know I used to believe that people don't change, but you've proved, they do.

This is such a revealing post, and so interesting to learn more about you too Technobabe.

You both deserve to be happy, and I'm so pleased you obviously are just that. :)

Jeni said...

What an awesome guest post! I knew some of this information from Technobabe as I've been reading her blog for a few years now but it was very nice and quite interesting to read your words about your life together. Great that you each acknowledge each others roles as well as your own in some of the issues you've faced together.
Oh and to answer Technobabe's questions from my last post -yes, I still say my garden is small, or smallish, in my eyes and yes, my friend's garden is, by comparison to mine, huge! However, her's in comparison to what my Grandpa used to plant is then still sort of on the kind of smallish side.

Unknown Mami said...

I find you both amazing and I am so unbelievably proud of your growth and candor.

Suldog said...

Each path to love is different, and some are strewn with battle debris from previous engagements.

(Geez, that's not half bad. I especially like how I used "engagements", since it could mean either battles or pre-wedding agreements. I'll have to re-use this in one of my own posts someday.)

Anyway, the path you two had to take was especially treacherous. That you both made it, and ended still in each other's arms, is a shining testament to both you. Well done!

Ms. A said...

I have personally noticed a dramatic change in TB, since I first began following. She has found peace. What a glorious thing, indeed. Much happiness to you both!

Andrew said...

All the very best to both of you.

lisleman said...

There is some much here that words can not describe. You two at some level knew that you needed to support each other. Great story and all the best as it continues.

Oh if you like words then you pick up "Alphabet Juice" by Roy Blount Jr. I just checked it out of the library.

Mama Zen said...

Thank you for sharing this. You are both incredibly strong and incredibly brave.

Joanna Jenkins said...

James and Techno-- I hope you both already know what beautiful souls I think you are and this, this, this... Big sigh-- This is incredible and filled with love and insight and heartache and bravery and recovery and beauty. Thank you both for sharing this with us and as always, I'm cheering you on. Love to you both, xo jj

Dave King said...

I agree with the words of Mama Zen. The post does you both credit, and the new highlights it gives are fascinating. Brave of you both.

R. J. said...

Very interesting post. It sounds like the making of an interesting autobiography. It puzzles me that some people can have a hard life and still manage to put together all the pieces of tragedy and emerge victorious, whereas others crumble under the pressures. A lot of good choices along the way--you both have a lot of fortitude. Very classy.

Big Dave T said...

Very nice, written from the heart. Long-term relationships of any kind are never easy. It takes love and commitment to make them last, as you point out so well here.

Fancy said...

Ever so lovely! What a wonderful story of life's precious moments!! Thank you for sharing.

Hilary said...

Huge hugs to the both of you. I'm so happy that you've found each other. Certainly your love was mean to be. You two are beautiful.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

James, I think that your story is proof that without trust, even the strongest love cannot flourish. I'm so very glad you were both able to overcome the damage done to you, and to find each other and build a beautiful life together. It is truly a many-faceted miracle.

Cricket said...

Hooray for you both, and I mean that truly.

Your comment today reminded me, I've been meaning to fix my sidebar and try and put you back... I took down the link just to not be linking to that hardcore site, but then I forgot to go back and fix it.

I tend to just check for updates on my sidebar and read 'em. I don't sign in to my own page unless I intend to post, which hasn't been much of late.

The link brings me here again. Yay.
I'll be checking in more regularly again.

Word veri: coment. Appropriate.

Syd said...

I am so glad that you worked through those difficult times. What you have now is strong and good. These kinds of miracles are wonderful.

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