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June 19, 2010

He Always Wanted To Be A Father


By the time he entered high school he stood six feet four inches tall. People looked up to him for his quiet, polite manner as well as his height. He always had an easy way with children and they responded to his gentle teasing and encouraging ways. His part time job through high school was working with children at after school programs through the Parks and Recreation Department.

He was twenty five years old when he married his sweetheart of three years. They talked about starting a family as soon as she finished college. Everyone who knew him thought he would be a wonderful father and family man. When his wife graduated college, she told him she was re-thinking starting the family right away and wanted to postpone getting pregnant for a few years. He was disappointed but he loved his wife and believed she wanted children and had the same goals he did. Each year after his thirtieth birthday he approached his wife about starting their family and was rebuffed and sometimes ridiculed about his desire to be a father. He decided to wait and trust that his wife was adjusting to a busy career and she would want to be a mother when she saw her friends having children.

They both were athletic and in good shape. She ran 10 miles every day and 20 miles every weekend morning. He worked out at the gym. He introduced her to a personal trainer at their gym because she wanted some personal workout time to concentrate on results to help with the running. At the time he introduced them, he told his wife as an aside that the personal trainer was good at his job, but he had a reputation for being a swinger and had been known to be involved with some of the clients.

They were about to celebrate their tenth wedding anniversary and they were going to move very far away. They talked about how the change would be good for them and she told him she wanted to start their family in the new place. He went ahead to the new place to find a house to buy and get started in his job.

After two months he traveled back home to see his wife and see how things were going toward the move. All the pictures of him and her together or of him alone were not displayed where they had been. There was no evidence of an impending move. Instead of greeting her husband with a kiss, she told him she did not want to have children. Not ever. She knew this before she met him. She was not going to move with him. She wanted a divorce. She had been having an affair with the personal trainer for a year and he had moved in with her.

There were many stages of grief for him to get through and along the way he begged and then became angry and then begged again. He was thrown into a horrible depression. To his family and friends he said it wasn't just her fault, that he wasn't the best husband he could have been. The last thing he said to his family and friends was that he was willing not to be a father if they could start couples counseling and save their marriage. That was not to be. He moved to the new place so very far away, is working and is 42 years old and still not a father.

Note: This is a true story. We sometimes hear about women who ache to become mothers but seldom do we hear about a man who loves children and wants to be a father. The man in this story is my son. My heart hurts for his disappointment and pain. He still has hope that one day he will have children. Hope springs eternal, my son.

Photo found on google.

68 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Oh, wow. This broke my heart.

Ocean Girl said...

I hope this is okay, I pray for him, I pray he will get what his heart desires.

Cinner said...

Oh my heart goes out to your son, this was so well written, divorce is never an easy thing. I wish she would have told him sooner. I remember when I got divorced someone had said oh what a shame to waste all that time, I never looked at it that way. I took from it and learned from it and it helped me in my second marriage. I wish him the joy of having his own children. you never know whats around the corner. I do know you would be an awesome grandma, I am not sure if you have other children. Thank you for sharing with us. We have no children, I sometimes look at my husband and think he would have made a wonderful father....his joke on Fathers Day is that he checks the mailbox to see if he has gotten any fathers day card...you have to know his sense of humor. hugs to you.

Marla said...

Oh Techno....I know this same story in my own family. My prayers are with you and your son.

Has he ever considered adoption? There are so many great kids just waiting for a man like your son.

Opaque said...

Insincerity hurts a lot. A lot! I know that!

Ms. Anthropy said...

One of my sons longs to be a father, as well. My heart breaks for him and I pray it happens, he will be a great dad.

Gappy said...

That is a sad sad story Technobabe. Your son sounds like a lovely man though and I'm sure that he will find someone else who will genuinely want to create a family with him. He certainly deserves that after all he's been through.

LL Cool Joe said...

I was going to say the same thing as Marla, your son should think of adopting a child, there are so many kids out their longing to have a loving parent.

I'm glad you wrote this, I often think that the father's role with his child is belittled and many father's feel second best to the mother. There are many many wonderful Dads out there, mine being one of them, far better than my mother.

Brian Miller said...

most def. i have some friends in a very similar situation and it can be rather debilitating...thoughts of impotence bleeding into other areas...nice post techno

R. J. said...

How sad for both of you. We moms spend a lifetime worrying about our children. Guys have longer than the ladies to answer the ticking clock. It's not too late for him. Good wishes.

Eternally Distracted said...

You are so right to post this Techno. often guys are well and truly forgotten on subjects such as this.

Your son sounds like such a special guy, hopefully the right woman is just around the corner for him...

anne h said...

Hope really can, and does spring eternal!

Sassy Pants Freckle Face said...

sad,,..... sososoososos! SAD :(

I hate when people cheat sometimes i think it is worse than anything!!

Scarlet Blue said...

This was a truly horrible thing to have happened to him. I hope he finds someone new with whom he can love and start a family.
Sx

gayle said...

Wishing your son every happiness. My daughter wants children but her sorry "live in no job" boyfriend doesn't. Someday she is going to be so sad and I dread that day!

DJan said...

I hope the soul up there that needs a good father will find its way to your son. I hope your son will find happiness after such a terrible decade with a cheater. I had a bad feeling when you mentioned the trainer that this would happen. At least he's only 42 and has his whole life ahead of him. My niece is 42 and just had her first (and only) child by in vitro. She got tired of waiting for "the man" and turned to science before it was too late.

Fragrant Liar said...

Wow. I ache for your son and his unfulfilled dream to be a parent. Can he adopt on his own? It isn't common but I do know of women who don't want kids or who don't want the kids they had. It's chilling and so, so sad.

All is not lost for your son, of course. It could still happen that he and a new woman could bear a child. I will say a few words to the big guy on his behalf. ;-)

My best to you both.

secret agent woman said...

In some ways that is a harder grief than losing someone to death. I wish your son peace and a woman who will love him. (And fortunately, as a man, it is not to late for him to still become a father.)

barry knister said...

Please forgive me for not being able to join the outpouring of sympathy for your son. You can say he was blinded by love--which is what all the comments seem to assume--or that he found it easier and safer to avoid the doubts he had to have, and to do it for a very long time. I say this as one who long ago did much the same thing--but not for the better part of a decade.

savannah said...

i wish him well, sugar. we've had a couple of divorces amongst the coconut krewe, it was painful for them (and for us), but they are better for it now. i hope he'll see a brighter future for himself.

and remember, forty is the new thirty! ;~) xoxoxoxo

English Rider said...

Your son sounds like a "Good Man". Well done for instilling values in another human being. The trouble is that we see others through the prism of our own values, ethics, etc. It takes a few surprises to learn that we don't all play by the same rules. I hope he doesn't try to change himself. He will mourn the relationship he thought he had and then, hopefully be discovered by a like-soul who is deserving of him. He is far from too old to father a whole brood of children if his next love is a little younger than he. Otherwise a woman who already has kids may bridge the gap.
Your son also sounds as though he could be a great asset to a local Child Advocates or Big Brother program.

KleinsteMotte said...

So sad. Doing the math, he was 35 when things took a turn (10th ann.) and now he's 42. He's been alone for about 7 years.Hopefully he's over his loss and will find a new partner so he can move forward to fulfill his dream of fatherhood.

Lori said...

I am so sorry that this happened to your son. You are right, it happens way more then we hear. My brother went through something very similar and even though he has now remarried it is doubtful they will have a child. It has been the cry of his heart to be a father for so long. Thank you for reminding me of this so that I can be sensitive him and how a day like fathers day must remind him of what he wishes he had. It really does bring tears to my eyes to read your story(very well told)and knowing that your son and my brother do not stand alone. XX

TALON said...

Heartbreaking, TechnoBabe. Your son sounds like such a loving person. Perhaps he could consider a mentorship like Big Brother or a local community program involving children that would welcome his support. It sounds trite to say, but I hope he finds the right woman who will appreciate him and honor him and whether they adopt or have their own, he'll be a fabulous Dad from all accounts.

Casey Freeland said...

Oh, damn, TB. So sorry for this. There are a lot of us out there, men who have the dad gene. I hadn't given much thought to men who didn't get the opportunity. This story breaks my heart.

Maggie May said...

This brought teas to my eyes.
I hope and pray he will meet someone and be able to fulfil his dream.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Berni said...

I have tears in my eyes, what a sad story I hope he finds someone who who wants children before it is too late

Shadowthorne @ Ramzu Zahini said...

.... I feel your son pain, as I got through almost the same thing.... :(

Roxy said...

Oh my, I have chill bumps still after reading this. I feel so sympathetic for the sadness in your son's broken heart, and for you too... because I know you feel pain for him. I pray for his emotional recovery and I hope that his wish to be a father will one day be granted. Sending hugs your way!

Joanna Jenkins said...

That is a heartbreaking story Techno. I am sorry for all the heart ache and lack of true honesty.

But 42 is still young and there is more than enough time to be a great Dad. I hope your son meets a wonderful woman to start a family with and make a life together. Speaking of which-- If he's in So. California, let me know. I know lots of single women asking where all the great guys are who want to settle down.

xo jj

blueviolet said...

That really is a heartbreaking story! Oh, and I just heard about this happening in reverse to a friend of mine.

Everyday Goddess said...

you are so right about the pain men feel too.
i hope your son finds who he is meant to have a family with. my daughters father was 55 when she was born.

Ronda Laveen said...

Yes, hope does spring eternal. May he be blessed with his desire. Why couldn't she just say from the beginning that babies were off the table instead of just putting him off so long?

Robert the Skeptic said...

Live can really blindside us at times. One could probably find a child out there now who would give anything to have such a father; there are thousands of children in foster care waiting for adoption.

I have two daughters and two step children; now four grand children.
I'm very lucky.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I hope he meets someone and has the family he always wanted. This made me so sad for him, but hoping better times are in store.

Stinkypaw said...

Sad story. I wish for your son on this day (Father's Day) to realise his heart's desire.

Kazzy said...

So sad...You are right. We don't talk about this story very much.

Ina in Alaska said...

Brutal. So sorry. It was not meant to be. Loser bitch. These are the women who ruin a good man for life...

unlike....

the lovely counterpoint is the post below, Tall, Dark and Still Handsome..... Peas to your carrots.... xoxoxo

LadyFi said...

So sorry to hear this, yet there is hope as he is still young!

Bernie said...

I don't think I like your son's exfactor very much.....the good Lord willing he may still be a father. He sounds like a wonderful young man........:-) Hugs

Dave King said...

What an appropriate story for today! And one needing to be told, I think.

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh. This made me so sad. I pray and pray that he will have a child one day. He sounds like a wonderful person! How old is he? I have this fabulous friend named Marsha and her biggest issue with men is that they are never tall enough as she is 5'10 and also that they have too many children. She is 33 like me. Super sweet and nice. Very pretty. Athletic. A teacher :) Maybe we could introduce them to each other.

And as a response to your comment about someone else starting laundry or dinner there is no one there to do it : ) so I guess that can't happen! I get home just about the time Kaishon gets off the bus.

Kathy M. said...

My heart aches for him, too. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.

Mama Zen said...

This is so sad!

Hope said...

I hope he gets to hear a little child call him daddy one day.

Cheryl said...

Oh dear, how very sad for him. He sounds so very wonderful, loving and devoted. I can only imagine his pain. I hope one day his dream is realized.

laughingwolf said...

so sad, especially today... fathers' day in north america! :(

at 42, even 50 or older, he still can be....

willow said...

I have a feeling this isn't the end of the story. Lots of good thoughts from the manor for you son!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

So sad. He sounds like a beautiful man, and he is still young. After all, men don't lose their ability to become parents. I hope he finds a wonderful woman who is honest with him and who truly wants the same things he does.

Julie said...

What a wonderful man. It breaks my heart that he has been through all of this and wants to be a father so badly. What really brought tears to my eyes was how he told his family and friends it was also his fault. I got very angry at the woman when I was reading what she did (and I was thinking of a few choice names to call her). It takes a big person to be as forgiving as he is.

It also made me think about all the single women I know who would love a guy like this. He sounds like the perfect man to me, and there's bound to be the perfect woman out there for him somewhere. I pray he gets all the good things he deserves.

Shrinky said...

Oh hon, what a heartbreak.. and how dishonest of his wife, if she had known right from day one she never wanted children, how cruel of her to lead him on that she did..

Well written, as ever, bonny lass - your son deserved far better, let's hope one day he will find it.

Oz Girl said...

Oh my, I can feel your son's pain to some extent. My brother was married to a strikingly similar person (who didn't want kids, ever)... after 20 yrs of marriage they divorced and he remarried. He and his new wife had their new child about 5 years ago, when he was about 43. So your son still has such a good chance at having that family he's always wanted.

Best of wishes to your son, I hope he finds the person who is so deserving of his love. :)

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

To be lied to like that is the ultimate betrayal..

I hope he finds happiness soon.

lisleman said...

such a painful story
I believe divorce is much worst when children are involved but then having children can be a wondrous thing.
I suspect she would not have made a good mother so for that reason is better that she didn't have his child. Not having a good mom (or dad) can really screw a person's life.
There are many ways to look at life's ordeals but no one but him knows what the pain was like.
All the best for both you and him.

jinksy said...

Perhaps by this time next year he may be...it's always possible...

Mrs4444 said...

Oh, my heart aches for the poor guy....I hope he finds true love soon. I have a strong feeling he will.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

How heartbreaking for him! No one deserves to be treated like that. There is still hope - look at John Travolta at 50-something expecting a new baby. ;) I hope your son gets his desire of being a father at some point, because being raised by you he'll be awesome at it. :)

Sniffles and Smiles said...

This is absolutely heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. Love, Janine XO

Fancy said...

Very sad! Nevertheless, his desire for fatherhood will soon be fulfilled.

My thoughts and prayers!!

jillsy said...

His day will come when he'll find the right woman and they'll have a beautiful child together along with a much happier marriage!

deb said...

as a mother this must break your heart.
I cannot stand when my children are going through stuff. We can't fix it for them , or tell them what to do.

so heartbreaking, your son sounds like a good person, and I hope there is some wonderful outcome to all of this very soon.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Oh, my. This is terribly sad, and I feel very sad for him. Perhaps he'll get lucky and meet a woman who wants to have kids. My best friend was 51 when he had his third child, and Anthony Quinn had something like 12 kids, albeit with a handful of wives and mistresses.

A Free Man said...

I had that yearning to be a father, but fortunately mine was filled. The good news for your son is that there isn't really a biological limitation as he gets older. He just has to find the right woman.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Oh my. I am so sorry for what your son's going thru & to tell you the truth, because I have 2 boys (still young but they'll grow up before I know it!) I am feeling quite stabby right now. (Sorry if this is not helping. But I am over-protective and it hurts me just to imagine my children going thru pains and suffering like this. I know this is not helping in any way... Just thought I'd share so you know it is ok if you have unkind thoughts... eh, maybe this is not a good comment after all...)

This is a classic "The Wedding Singer" moment: Gee, you know that information... really would've been more useful to me *yesterday.*

Ugh. He sounds like a wonderful man. Here's to the lucky lady that he will soon find and build a new life together with!

beth said...

oh my breaking heart...i hope my son truly wants to be a father someday....

and that photo....OH i want to do this shot !

Jason, as himself said...

Ugh. Love can be such a bitch!

Hilary said...

This is a heart breaker. I'm so glad that at least she didn't continue the charade and try counseling with him. I'm sorry he's had such a rough go. Perhaps adoption?

BLOGitse said...

Greetings from Uknown Mami's blog where I found your link!
I've read several of your posts and this touched me personally.
I'm a woman and I told to my becoming husband that I don't want children anymore. I had two. I said that the second time we met. I wanted him to know that right away.
It's cruel and selfish not to talk open this type of thoughts, decisions to your partner.
We are still happily together, twenty years...oh, how time flies!
I wish your son will find happiness...

I notice a lot of familiar names here Ocean Girl, Joanna Jenkins etc.
I'll subscribe your feed - your blog is 'different' and I like it!
Have a great day,
greetings from Casablanca, Morocco!