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October 22, 2010

Some Of The Benefits Of Growing Up


Do you like receiving nice short emails of love and encouragement?

A couple times a month I send emails to my grown kids. They wouldn't usually respond to them. Before I started working on my own recovery I would get hurt feelings that my kids were not taking the time to respond to my emails.

For the past couple years I have been actively working to become a "grown up" and keep my own side of the street clean. As it became more and more natural for me to actually pick up the garbage on my street and not just kick it off the sidewalk, things started changing in my relationship with my kids too.

My older daughter replies to my short emails once in awhile, and the nicest change is that occasionally she writes me a very long, informative, loving email. Then I reply to the things she tells me in the email and she and I email back and forth a few days and then we get busy with our lives until the next long email. It has been a blessing for me to experience the changes within me. I have learned not to react to things and not to live in fear and anger. I realize that I have absolutely no idea what is going on within another person or what their struggles are, so I don't judge or take things personally. I let go of my insecure feelings and remember that I am strong now. I have worked so hard to get to this place.

So many good things happen in life when I put myself in a healthy frame of mind and attitude. By not trying to control the outcome and letting go of the putzy things my heart is open to receive the good things. I welcome them. I am thankful for them.

52 comments:

anne h said...

That is what I am learning - to not take it personally when someone acts out, or says or does something seemingly unkind!
One of your best posts yet!
Thanks!

ladyfi said...

Wonderful post! We have to get ourselves sorted out and in a good place in order to reap the benefits.

Retiredandcrazy said...

This is a very positive way of thinking and so appropriate for me to read today. Thank you so much.

Brian Miller said...

i think that it is pretty cool that you send those emails...and if it keeps lines of communication open, all the better..letting go of putzy things...nice.

Betty said...

I admire how far you´ve come. I think it´s a hard thing to do, to let go of your kids, but from what I´ve read, you have mastered it. I still have a lot to learn in that area. Thanks for the encouraging post!

LL Cool Joe said...

I've learnt that the more you let go, the more you get back. Allowing your loved ones freedom, whilst they see you gaining strength, is attractive. Suffocating a person, or demanding their attention is the quickest way to lose them.

I hope my mother reads this.

Jeni said...

Truer words, never spoken (or written). Once we learn we can't mold or change others, but can only do that within ourselves, life becomes much easier.

Lori said...

I totally understand this. Learning to step back, let go, and not trying to change others is hard work at first...yet its one of the most freeing things...and also allows us to be happier.

Such a good honest wise post. I love it! I am really thankful that you have this relationship with your kids....it's neat that you e-mail them like that.

Happy Friday to you and yours. XX

Opaque said...

I am glad I am learning this at my age...

ellen abbott said...

Oh yes. We are in charge of our emotions. No one makes us feel anything. It's all about choice.

DJan said...

That is very inspiring, TB. I think it's true that we make our own world, coming out of our worldview. Letting of of our loved ones so they can live their own lives has always been a hard one for some. You've mastered it and could write more about this. Maybe even a book!

deb said...

you rock.
seriously.

Jeanie said...

You've come a long way and arrived in a good place. It is nice to hear how your efforts have brought good things into your life.

TALON said...

This is beautiful, TechnoBabe. When we do things from the heart and with no expectation of reciprocation, I just think that's the essence of unselfishness. It's a hard place to get to and a worthy one -- realizing we're only responsible for our own actions.

Again, I loved this post.

Kristina P. said...

I realize that I really suck when it comes to communicating with my parents.

Bernie said...

What a great post, so informative. You are a real inspiration. Thanks for such a wonderful message. Have a great weekend.....:-) Hugs

Stickup Artist said...

Yes, this one is a huge hurtle, not to react to what we perceive, because what we perceive is not always the truth of the whole reality. Emotions are hard to control in the moment. I congratulate you for your milestones in this!

Hilary said...

Good for you, TB. I need to remind myself to think this way, often. There's so much truth to it though. Thank you for this.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Great relationships with our kids are formed early and develop as they mature...

YOu've done good

Happy Frog and I said...

Excellent post. That is such an important lesson to learn in life.

Unknown Mami said...

This very concise and simple post brings up so many thoughts for me. I think it's great when we don't judge the way others respond based on our own biases. I have a lot more to say on it, but you already "get it" and I can't figure out how to say it as concisely as you.

Ina in Alaska said...

This post could be an inspirational "talk" it is so full of wisdom and truth. You have come a long way, baby!!! I wish my mom would be open to email. She is not. It is so much fun to share via email. Many hugs to you for a peaceful and loving weekend. xoxo

gayle said...

Oh thank you so much for this post!! I will so try to learn from you!! I do get my feelings hurt when my daughters don't comment on my blog or answer my emails and I shouldn't!! How do you get to where it doesn't bother you?

lisleman said...

I like your words. As you tell the story your advice is there for the taking.
Reminds me of those old sayings that are true but you don't always catch on to soon enough.
"until you walk in another shoes" type of thing.
and
"assume makes an ass out of u and me"
thanks

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I have sometimes found it painful to realize that I am not needed by my children as I once was, but it makes me all the more grateful to be included in their lives just because they want me there.

You are right that cleaning up our own act is key to receiving what we need from others, and understanding that it isn't always about us. Being an adult isn't necessarily the same as being grown up.

Fancy said...

An interesting post. How wonderful it is to learn that you have found yourself through the art of positive thinking.

Thank you for sharing.

Robert the Skeptic said...

That's a tough one; I sometimes don't hear from my kids in a long while, then they call or visit. I think they just get caught up in their lives and, since I do not live nearby, it takes effort on both our parts to get together.

We don't e-mail but I do know they read my blog... so it wouldn't be longer than four days or so after I died that they'd discover that.

Dave King said...

Your last para says it all.

Cinner said...

I love this post, are you sure we are not twins....I guess I am learning to grow up too and to not react as I used to. It is a great way to be. thanks for all your comments, and about telling me how you and James spend so much time together and how it works.have a great weekend. hugs.pealli

Jillsy said...

I love your healthy outlook and glad to hear things are turning around for you because of it!

Eddie Bluelights said...

Great when they respond to emails - my daughter and son are both flown from the nest. I received a great birthday card from him, "No matter how tall I grow I shall always look up to you, dad". And from my daughter, "Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy!"

What an old softy I am! Hugs ~ Eddie

English Rider said...

Your change of perspective turns a guilt-laden missive with strings attached into a caress, as likely to give you pleasure as not. It is it's own reward.

Kazzy said...

I am going to follow your lead here. Thanks for the inspiration. :)

Jen said...

I need to get better at that.

Nezzy said...

I hear ya sister. I used to get upset when one of my children didn't return a phone call or respond to an email but life is short and I've learned everybody is busy to the max so I just don't take it personally anymore.

Same goes with a negative comment on the blogs...I just let it roll. :o)

God bless ya and enjoy your weekend sweetie!!!

King of New York Hacks said...

Wow. Something we could all polish up on seems you are perfecting. Brilliant post TB, so happy I stopped by tonight. Sending you thank you honks for posting this from the Big Apple, tomorrow night...I'm off tonight ;) Peace TB.

Mama Zen said...

We save ourselves so much misery when we learn not to take everything personally!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I completely understand what your saying. I also understand how hard it is to actually DO. Hats off to you Techno.

xo jj

TheUndertaker said...

Great to hear, and so encouraging! Isn't it nice to finally be free? Well done you! : )

Irish Gumbo said...

I thought that was you standing at the top of the mountain. Wait for me please? I'm on my way up, it isn't an easy climb, but it sure is a necessary one...

Syd said...

That Step one stuff is beautiful.

secret agent woman said...

Very Buddhist - letting go of attachment to the outcome! I think you have to be confidant of your children's love regardless of their responses and know that silence is not the same as a lack of love.

Shadowthorne @ Ramzu Zahini said...

As the Beatles said; Let It Be
And Suede; Everything Will Flow

:)

CherylK said...

You know, that's a wonderful idea...I'm going to start emailing my own children more often. Just to chat.

I'm happy that you've finally reached that peaceful place in your life. You should be proud of yourself.

Dave King said...

Agreed. Trouble is, there comes a time when you start growing down!

Rock Chef said...

A great post.

I am glad for you that your kids are seeing the change and connecting like this. Family relationships are often the hardest to fix, but you are clearly doing something right!

Suldog said...

It's truly amazing what good stuff is out there, and how much of it flows to us when we are open to its reception!

Cricket said...

Well said. Honestly, I like aging, "growing up." I find, hopefully, that I do fewer stupid things with each passing year. Sure, I have some new aches and pains &c, but I wouldn't go back.

I think I'll continue to like aging until I find myself sitting around with my friends comparing podiatrists. And who knows? By then, I might even be cool with that ;-)

Irish Gumbo said...

And a PS: Thank you so much for that wonderful compliment on my "Blue Roses" post. Quite an honor, madam :) Thank you!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

This is a wonderfully encouraging post, TechnoBabe. And I needed that right now. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

P.S. -- I'm truly happy to hear about your "new" relationship with your daughter. It kind of brings a tear to my eye, in fact.

Just wanted to let you know.

Marla said...

How, Techno? How do you live that way? I seriously want to know, to learn how.