March 29, 2007

Personal Trainer/Strainer

This was an email being passed around today:

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 31 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary of my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Was little late from having to stop twice to pee. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the ladies' room. He sent Gretchen to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

I hate that bastard Bruce. Skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the
machine with my heating pad. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the CREEP) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.


Lorna said...

I am laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face! This has to be the best post I have read in ages!!!!!! I hope you are moving better now and I hope you gave your hubby a great big POKE in the ribs for his "gift!" hugsssssssssssss

Pookie said...

Some men just don't get it. Do not give your wife something she has to use to make something for someone else. ie: pots/pans. Do not give your lover something that will help her clean. ie: vacuum cleaner. & DO NOT give her something to help her lose weight or get "toned". ie: gym pass.

Give her something that shows you want her to relax and enjoy her birthday. Give her the gift of...A FULL BODY MASSAGE. Oh, baby. That'll hit the spot.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lorna, glad you are laughing. I have seen some things on your blog that did the same thing to me, you have a good sense of humor.

Hi Pookie, thanks for stopping by, the massage sounds great I have to agree. I haven't had one for a couple years. And the only exercise I want is walking. Nothing strenuous for me.

Dash said...

This was enjoyable to read!! Haha . . I have a client who tried to hit me with a dumbbell . . she says it was an accident - now you have me thinking . . .

deuddersun said...

LMAO! you poor girl, I can't stop laughing!



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AsianSmiles said...

LOL! that's funny!