August 12, 2009

Another Way To End A Relationship

The woman was remembering the many times she had been there for her daughter. There was never a choice. Nothing her daughter did would be bad enough to desert her. Not when she was a child of many moods and not when she was a woman with her own child. Admittedly, there were times of distance. For many reasons. Not all of them caused by the woman. The child/woman was loved at all times by the woman/mother.

The woman and her new boyfriend drove to the daughter's house so the woman could deliver a birthday gift to the daughter. The daughter knew she was coming. There was no answer to the doorbell, so the woman walked around the house on the sidewalk to the back door, tried the handle, went inside. The TV was on in the den. No sign of anyone at home downstairs. The woman called out. No answer. So the woman left the prettily wrapped package on the dining room table and retraced her steps around to the car in the driveway. In the car about fifteen minutes later, the woman called the daughter. The daughter answered immediately, and said she had been home. She and her husband and their two children had run upstairs and were quiet so the woman wouldn't know they were home. The daughter sounded like this was quite a lark. The woman said she was disappointed not to see the daughter and was confused as to why the daughter would hide from her.

A few months later, the woman drove again to visit the daughter and her family. This time the woman was alone. The boyfriend did not go with her. This visit was also confusing to the woman. The daughter did not sit to talk with her mother nor did her family. The woman sat in the den waiting for some or all of them to come and visit with her. Some of their friends stopped by and they were introduced to the woman and then they all went outside to visit by their friends' car, with a casual comment from the daughter to the woman that they would be back inside soon. An hour later the woman picked up her things and walked outside where the daughter and her family was talking with their friends and told them all good bye. The woman cried on the way home, trying to pay attention to her driving, but unable to still the sound of her heart pulsating like war drums.

One more phone conversation after that encounter clarified the extent of the damage between the woman and her daughter. The woman had "yet another boyfriend and the daughter did not want it to be confusing to her children to see the woman with another man". The woman dared to speak up, which turned out to be unacceptable to the daughter. The woman explained that there had been a divorce from a husband, then four years without men except two men friends to attend movies and sports activities with and a few dates with one other man. And then the brazen woman asked what difference it would make if there were many men, how would it become her business to issue limits on a subject that was not the daughter's life.

That was the beginning of the end of that relationship. The woman moved in with her boyfriend and after two years together the woman and her boyfriend were married. The daughter was not notified of the wedding as emails and phone messages were not returned by the daughter.

Two years later after sporadic attempts to reconcile with the daughter, the woman mailed a letter to the daughter attempting to make amends and left a final voice message asking the daughter to return the call. A week later the woman received a letter in the mail instructing the woman not to attempt to contact the daughter again and not to attempt to contact the daughter's children as they also do not want to have anything to do with the woman.

Interestingly, the woman sees the direct communication in the letter as a sign that the daughter is emotionally healthy because she was a strong person and able to say exactly what she wanted in clear terms. Many adults have difficulty stating what they want for fear of conflict.

From the woman's viewpoint, there is not a reason substantial enough to warrant extreme exclusion. However, the woman understands that however the daughter came to believe she did not want the woman in her life, a decision had been made. It is a final conclusion. The relationship is ended.


otin said...

This story sounds exactly like a situation that occurred with my Mother and SIL!! Needless to say, that relationship is over, also!

Julie said...

Your posts are always thought provoking, and that is a good thing. This is very powerful and makes me want to cry. I have known too many people who have this happen.

A woman I know refuses to talk to her mother, and I don't understand why. The mother wasn't abusive. Sure, she made some mistakes and said or did things that were aggravating to the daughter. But nobody is perfect. I think the woman I know has unrealistic expectations as to what "the perfect mother" is supposed to be.

Once we get to a certain age, our life choices are our own. I chose to embrace the good parts of my mother (there are many), even when other things may bother me. I also learned to examine my own imperfections. My mother puts up with a lot from me, too.

Very powerful!

cinner said...

Very sad, for anyone, let alone a mother and daughter, but what will be will be I guess.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I cannot imagine being permanently estranged from my daughters or my son. I'm so very sorry for this woman's enormous pain and hope that in time, her daughter will reconsider and realize all she and her children have lost. It's terribly sad.

Debbie said...

That is just the saddest story and makes me so sad.

Margie said...

Such a sad story!
Just too sad and hard for me to understand!
I feel so bad for the mother!

Ina in Alaska said...

Are you making these up?

Sharon said...

This makes my heart ache

therapydoc said...

Wow, powerful story. Thanks.

Brian Miller said...

craziness. look, sto playing games, just tell me to go away...too much.

Mark said...

Thank-you for sharing this story of egos and love. May both forgive the other and know the love that is eternally there.