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August 13, 2010

I Just Want To Be Friggin' Happy


For Pete's sake, I just want to be happy. As a young girl, I would visit the neighbors and ask them if I could live with them. They would tell me I already had a family and I would tell them I didn't want to live with them. Couldn't I come live there and I would work really hard and not be any trouble. They always sent me home after giving me a little treat. I didn't want the treat, I wanted a home with a family. I would walk up and down the streets where we would be living at the time, sometimes along a highway, sometimes a rural road, a couple places in a housing neighborhood, and while walking I would wish and wish that someone would pick me up and take me away.

There are very few pictures of me growing up but every one has a scowl on my face and brooding eyes. No joy shining through because there wasn't any.

I carried that morbid sad faced little girl around inside me most of my life. Then I faced that little girl and grew to accept her pain and love her. Now I move on and take deep breaths and learn about joy. I welcome happiness into my life now with wide open arms and heart. And I think my smile is genuine and sometimes it reaches my eyes.
Which I don't show here.

Actually, the photo courtesy of greenbeanmama and found on google.

54 comments:

Maggie May said...

That was a moving account of part of your childhood. Very sad that you had to go through that but I am also very relieved that you didn't fall into even worse trouble at the hands of strangers whose doors you knocked on.
It is good that you have found joy in adulthood. You have so much time to make up..... but I guess the past will always follow you around like a shadow.....
We all have these shadows but yours sounded pretty bad.
((hugs)) Maggie X

Nuts in May

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I have read so many self-help books on getting over childhood pain, but none of them really works. I'm very glad that you have found true happiness with the family you created for yourself, and in which you are loved for being exactly who you are.

I had pretend families, too, and when they didn't take me in, I assumed it was because I was lacking in important ways. I felt disloyal, too, wanting to be part of other people's families instead of my own. Children should never feel unwanted and unworthy of love.

Real Me said...

Happiness is hard to find. I am glad you have found it now. And, it is true that once you have found it then your smile touches your eyes.

Rock Chef said...

You sound like the sort of kid that we would have semi-adopted Over the years we have had a lot of kids come and go when their own families have not been there for them - being fed, talked to, allowed to watch TV/play video games, sleep on air beds for the night, etc. We hope that we have helped them get through difficult times.

I am glad that you have finally found a good place in your life - long may it last!

Gary's third pottery blog said...

hogs and kisses Technobabe!

Gappy said...

I know that nothing can bring your childhood back, but the happiness you have now, you've created for yourself. I think that's amazing. x

anne h said...

Again we are twins!
You tell stories in such a wonderful way.
And I love
That you love your life now.

Brian Miller said...

i just want to be happy as well...my childhood was not too bad...i did ave a phase where i made myself a vicitim...stuck there my smile fled for a while...thanks for being real techno...

Syd said...

I never wanted to run away but stayed put. I had a good childhood in many ways but had problems with my father's drinking which was probably not alcoholic drinking but just heavy drinking on his day's off. I would flee to the woods and my secret spots during those times. Getting over the past is difficult but possible through recovery. I am glad that you have a smile today.

Shrinky said...

So wrong you were robbed of your childhood, that can never be recovered, can it? I'm amazed how you've managed to face your demons and win through, it speaks volumes about your strength and determination. I do find those who have walked through fire tend to come out the other side a more empathatic, compassionate person than most. Hugs to you, dear lady.

Lori said...

Once again I am so thankful that you found your way to where you are today. I can relate to your childhood more than I would like. I remember having pretend families and on the rare occasion I got to stay over night at someones house that was normal, I didn't want to leave. I am thankful you found your smile...that makes me smile.

What is sad is seeing children like this today. Is it because I lived it that I recognize it in children now? It just makes me want to keep them or take them home with me. So very sad to see these children that rarely smile and their eye's look empty and sad.

Happy weekend to you and yours. XX

Maggie said...

I have to admit that I had a great childhood and great teen years. It wasn't until I grew up to a young adult when I hated life because I got stuck living in Mexico. Took me a while but I'm finally moving on and trying to be as happy as possible here.

Maggie said...

And thank you for sharing a little bit of you every day. And I bet you have a great smile. :)

DJan said...

You are such an accomplished person now, and I do wonder how much our childhood shapes our present life. Your writing comes from the heart, and I think you must have had quite a good talk with that little girl, because she has grown into a wonderful friend to many of us.

Sassy Pants Freckle Face said...

remind me some day
to share a story with you,.... when I visited my gpa before his eyesight was gone he pulled a pic of me from his desk,... he was troubled by it,.. and asked what I was thinking,... in the pic I was 9,... I will share more with you later, loves ya you super awesome lady!!!!!

Ina in Alaska said...

Love and hugs and more HAPPY to you, dear friend. xoxoxo

Betty said...

I think you have evolved and have come to accept your childhood. Even if it was hard and painful, it´s a part of you. Your attitude will bring you happiness!

Jeanie said...

You have overcome so much pain and seem to have come out very strong on the other side. It seems to me that you have developed your own strong set of values that has opened your life up to happiness.

Kazzy said...

I am sad to hear that your childhood was so sad. It broke my heart to read about your wandering.

I am glad to know you have accepted your past and that you enjoy happiness now.

The Urban Cowboy said...

To experience true happiness is to understand and accept ourselves. It also touches the heart.

Some people never befriend true happiness, you are fortunate.

Pseudo said...

A friend of mine does shammanic journeys for healing (www.trumpetingspiral.com). I know you have healed already, but thought I'd pass it on.

I used to work in a high risk program at a school in a high poverty area. I had a couple students ask if I could foster them as they had never known a stable or happy home. It was hard, as I couldn't at the time.

English Rider said...

That's why I like to be with horses. They don't care who you are or were, they reflect back all that is good.

Kristina P. said...

It breaks my heart when I see a child's broken spirit.

Julie said...

It breaks my heart to think what you had to endure. No child should ever feel unloved or unwanted. Your account is very moving and powerful. It makes me wish that I could travel back in time, put my arms around the girl you were then and give her a loving home.

But I am happy that your story is now in a good place. You have overcome so much, and now you're here to teach others. Thank you for sharing your light here!

Robert the Skeptic said...

Much of that childhood baggage is difficult to rid ourselves of. I know.

TALON said...

I like that you honor that little girl and her history by acknowledging her pain and I like that you've introduced her to the idea that she can be happy. And you can have photos that make you smile now instead of photos that bring back sad times.

lisleman said...

you say a lot with just a few words. A happy face is something we all should be able to have at least sometimes.
I wish you more "Don't worry be happy" times.

Deidra said...

Yes. Here's to happy! Happy is good. I think there's something to be said for its root which is similar to happen...happiness is a factor of what is happening/has happened to us. And then, there's joy. Which just kind of settles in no matter what. It's deep and it spreads and it hangs on tight. Here's to happy, with a bit of joy mixed in!

Vicky said...

I think I would have found every excuse imaginable to keep you with me at my house if I were your neighbor :) But I am also glad you figured out that despite a crummy childhood, you DESERVE to be happy. You've written this so well and I know many will relate :)

Nezzy said...

Wow! I was blessed with a wonderful mother who would build me back up after my daddy cut me to the core with his sharp words. My heart goes out to you. No matter how much we grow and heal there are time that those 'voices' come back to lash out at us. Whew, I rarely go there.

I sure your smile is beautiful and would light up a room!

God bless and have a marvelous weekend!!!

blueviolet said...

It's such a sad thought to think of you trying to find a family where you could be happy. But it sure does my heart good to know that you have indeed found that now! :)

Mama Zen said...

I'm so glad that you are where you are now.

Sarah said...

Awww hon...that just breaks my heart...that you didn't have joy as a child! Cause the woman I know certainly is a joy to me!! You are kind and always make me feel better when I am struggling. So if it might bring you a little joy..I have a little gift to send off to you..so email me your address..and it will fly out to you tomorrow. Cause hon..you deserve to be happy and have joy..this I know!! Yer gonna have to trust me here!!

Hugs and love to you hon, Sarah

beth said...

awww sweetie....
i'm sending you a hug...can you feel it ?

now send me your snail mail address in exchange...pleeeeasssse ?

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Some of your posts make me cry because I was a little girl just like you!~

I wish you happiness and joy, always!
T

Life with Kaishon said...

This made me cry.

secret agent woman said...

here are many sad-eyed photos of me as a child and I don't even like to look at them. I'm glad to be out of it!

secret agent woman said...

here are many sad-eyed photos of me as a child and I don't even like to look at them. I'm glad to be out of it!

Everyday Goddess said...

After a childhood like that, i'm glad you kept your heart open!

You are a wonderful person, and I do appreciate all the caring comments you have given me.

Thanks for being the Technobabe we all know and love!

The Empress said...

You give me hope. Though I have happy "moments" there is always an undercurrent of sadness that lurks.

Is it like that for you?

Roxy said...

Such a touching story of your childhood. I admire your determination to make your life different as an adult. You have courage.

Cinner said...

This made me sad too, we all have such stories in us, I hid behind laughter for many years. I am glad you have found happiness later in your life, love that you are so real, I think there is one heck of a book in you my friend. have you ever thought of that. hugs.

Jillsy said...

it might have taken awhile, but it's good to hear that you can finally embrace happiness in your life. hugs.

Shadowthorne @ Ramzu Zahini said...

I seldom smile in my photos. Because oddly, I don't like to see myself smiling.

But I smile a lot in class - predatorily....

ladyfi said...

Sad, moving and inspirational. Here's to many more golden moments of joy.

KleinsteMotte said...

Happiness is what we all wish for. Glad you are finding some. Keep smiling.

Jeni said...

As a child, I had sort of mixed emotions about where I wanted to live. Much as I loved my Mom, Grandparents, etc., I so very much envied my next-door neighbors family and also, the family that lived on the other side of them. Why? Because they were large families! The ones next door to me had 13 children and the other family, had 5 children and I tried my level best to spend the bulk of each of my days growing up in one or the other's home, with their children my age! I wanted nothing else as much as I wanted, all my life, to have the impossible, which was always, ALWAYS, a sibling! The end result was that since I couldn't have that, I adopted many people along my way to where I am today as a sister, or a brother! Maybe that works better to be able to pick and chose folks and put them in that adopted sibling kind of category -I really am not sure there. But it was always something, as an adult, I tried to live up to my child's dream and plans to never raise an only child! In that respect, I sure can relate to your words here!
Have a happy day today though!

Betsy said...

Thanks for visiting my blog so I could meet you! I enjoyed this post and your profile...you ARE a survivor! :) I'll be back to visit again!

otin said...

Happiness is everyones goal. Too bad that most of us never really find that happy place. I am working on mine!

notesfromnadir said...

We all want to be happy. The Dalai Lama always says that everybody wants to be happy & no one wants to suffer. The more you contemplate this, the more you strive towards not only your own happiness, but that of others.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I never know what I will find when I visit Techno, but I always know it will be honest and real. Yours was a terrible childhood but now your joy comes through your posts in so many way.

Yeah to smiles that reach your eyes!

xo jj

Cheryl said...

I am so happy for you. I can feel the warmth of your smile all the way here!!

deb said...

you gift ,
you know that right?

and I can feel your smile right through the words.

Marla said...

I love that you are finding happiness day by day. When I read this story it made me think of my oldest daughter. This was her story for the first 10 years of her life before we found each other.

Thanks for another great one, Techno!