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August 01, 2010

Why I Can't Do Sundays In My City Yet

It became clear to me that every Sunday brought unhappiness and discomfort into my life. The first time I noticed I had trouble on Sundays I was newly married and my then husband was at work. I could not settle down. I tried to read, then I tried taking a walk, and then listened to music. I would disappear within myself. I had been doing that all my life so I could disappear at will. I learned years later that I would disassociate.

Fast forward many years and many relationships and many disappointments and I am married to my hubby. He and I had shared every single thing about each of our pasts with each other for two years before we got married. So hubby knew me better than anyone ever had.

When I would go through my Sunday discomfort, hubby was at a loss and thought that by leaving me alone to get over my own stuff he was doing the right thing. But it seemed to make it worse. So then hubby, who was awake and up before I was, would return to bed and hold me on Sunday mornings. We found that it helped. No one had done that before either.

One day we were talking about my agitation and discomfort on Sundays and hubby said "Isn't that when the uncle would come to stay on the weekends?" It was like a bulldozing ball had knocked the breath out of me. It finally made sense.

I had been uncomfortable for so many years because I did not have anyone to walk me through it. When I was about four years old I tried to describe what was happening to me to my mother and she said not to worry, it wouldn't happen anymore. But the uncle continued to come every weekend for two years. Not only did I lose trust in my mother, I wasn't a little girl and I began to learn how to disappear. So much so that as an adult I was at the dentist and he asked me how I did that and I asked did what and he said I seemed like I was hypnotized.

Things have come a long way for me. I can rest on Sundays and I am not fidgety and anxious. I can wake up on a Sunday and look forward to the day, not look at the day with dread. Of course I remembered the weekends the uncle would visit but I had put all that behind me. I thought I had.

So now you know one of the reasons I believe my hubby and I were meant to be together. To be with him wholly and completely. No secrets. No fear that he might find out something or use something against me. And he was able to help me see things that I had not been able to do before. I thought I was going through life not using my childhood as an excuse for any of my actions. But the truth was that I never really dealt with it, I just stuffed it down so far that I wouldn't have to take care of it. Avoiding and not facing truth.

Unknown Mami

For a long time I have wanted to participate in Unknown Mami's Sundays In My City meme, but I am not there yet. I look forward to the day that I can joyfully take photos of the little town where we live and post them on my blog and enjoy that Sunday to the fullest.

59 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I love how you did a Sunday's in your virtual city, I guess you could call it. I think it's an interesting take on the carnival. You and your husband clearly have kismet.

Casey Freeland said...

Here's to future angst-free Sundays. Looking forward to upcoming photos and anecdotes.

Casey

Roxy said...

I find it amazing that the mind uses different techniques to help us cope, or avoid coping, with issues that we are unable to deal with at the time... hope you'll have some totally joyful Sundays in the future.

Dave King said...

Been there, done that, well over it now - and I still don't know what was the cause.

Brian Miller said...

you are so very brave techno...i too look forward to those angst free sundays and i am so glad you have a help mate that understands...

LL Cool Joe said...

It's amazing what we can cope with by building up brick walls around the hurt and pain. It takes a special person to knock down those walls.

Real Me said...

True love here! We may try many things to cope up, but love is the remedy for everything.

R. J. said...

It is sad to hear that a childhood experience could control the rest of one's life so strongly. I can relate to the impulse to withdraw inside to protect yourself. You had to develop coping mechanisms early in life. Here's to better Sundays.

Thanks for your insightful comments on my site.

Jeanie said...

I will rejoice with you in a victory when you become able to find joy in a Sunday. I think you may have made a big step today.

blueviolet said...

I think it's very rare and wonderful that you don't have to worry about skeletons with him.

secret agent woman said...

Did you know people who have been abused make better hypnosis subjects? Because dissociation is a trance state.

I'm glad you have found someone who can be there in the exploration with you, helping you get some peace.

Mr. Stupid said...

I am so glad you have someone who understands you that well. I'm sure we will get to see some beautiful photos on Sundays here...:)

ellen abbott said...

sometimes it's the simplest statement that opens our eyes and how wonderful for you to have him to help you.

No simple statement for worked my husband. I tried. He was abandoned by his mother at 9 and he and his siblings were left to the hands of his father, the man his mother fled to save herself. His siblings were a sister a year younger than himself and two brothers, 2 and 8 weeks. their father poured his ire on the two eldest (tainted as they were by their mother's influence) and adored his two youngest. He was not a physical abuser, oh he would whip them with a belt for whatever transgressions, but he wouldn't beat them. No, he was an emotional and mental abuser and he crippled my husband and his sister. When we met he also felt he had dealt with his childhood and left it behind but it became clear to me that he had not. He had stuffed it down and the more it clamored to get out the angrier he became until he was in a rage nearly all the time. He finally had a breakdown and got help but still he has a hard time praising instead of criticizing. Never having been praised for anything, he never learned how to do it.

Not trying to make this about me but I wanted to share a story.

Mama Zen said...

I hope that that day comes soon.

TALON said...

TechnoBabe, the cathartic power of love is in every word you wrote. Trust is such a huge thing and to have that with someone is beautiful. I'm so glad you can relax on Sundays now.

sheri said...

you have no idea how powerful it is when you share the real life struggles you have, right here, right in front of God knows who. can you feel it...can you feel the embrace of so many who have struggled in the same place that you found yourself in? those who are relieved? those who rejoice??? i'm tickled that you have the heart to share, a heart that's in constant healing :)

Betty said...

Good of you to realize what was causing these feelings. For me, Sunday is not so much fun, because it´s so boring. Usually we don´t have anything planned and then it makes me just fidgety or longing to DO something. I have learned to live with this, because my husband enjoys a Sunday like that, but it´s still not my favorite day of the week.

DJan said...

Wow. Look at what healing has already taken place, and for you to write this here, sharing it with me, is just amazing. I know I have so many buried memories and wonder sometimes if it's safe to bring them up. My guy helps so much, too...

gayle said...

It is so wonderful tha you found true love!! Someone who knows you inside and out!

Lola Sharp said...

Real love, as in the verb, is a powerful cure; a soft, safe place to land and steady ourselves.

Thank Godiva for our husbands. :)

You know I understand, I get it.

I adore your honesty, depth. You.

Here's to you smiling on Sundays and frolicking through your little town...when you're ready.

Here's to the past not having power over the present or future.

Love,
Lola

Just Breathe said...

Sounds like you have come a long way. So sorry for what happened in the past. ((HUGS)) So happy you are now able to enjoy a Sunday.

jillsy said...

what a wonderful husband you have...someone who maybe knows you even better than you know yourself and loves you every bit of the way! you are a very, very lucky woman, TB!

jillsy said...

what a wonderful husband you have...someone who maybe knows you even better than you know yourself and loves you every bit of the way! you are a very, very lucky woman, TB!

Syd said...

Understanding is such a comfort-- not only my understanding myself but that others understand me. You have a lot of strength to share this but that is what must be done to overcome the fear.

Pseudo said...

I look forward to that day for you as well.

Lola Sharp said...

Dear sweet Babe,
Thank YOU. :)

Gappy said...

I wish you so many happy Sundays to come. You deserve them. x

Bernie Wood said...

I am so happy that you now can enjoy Sunday with your wonderful husband....you so deserve the love and happiness you have found...Hugs

The Empress said...

Oh, techno, what a joy to meet you. You know, why is it the people we instantly feel drawn to are so far away. I hope you can piece things together to start a brand new life, one with no past. But, then, you wouldn't be who you are, would you? WOuld you even be a writer, then???

Berni said...

Sorry that you have had to deal with this and it is wonderful that your husband had that insight that has helped in your healing

Joanna Jenkins said...

Dear Techno.... My heart is breaking for you and the little girl that had to go through such awfulness and the grown woman that had to sort through it. BUt look how far you've come....

When I started reading your blog you shared some pretty amazing stories about your life but not in the first person. I think you are healing on so many levels and it's changing your writing, which always was and continues to be, stunning.

Like everyone else, I'm looking forward to your Sundays being joyful and glorious and photo-filled.

You and James are my heroes.

xo jj

Kazzy said...

I am glad you are learning to enjoy Sundays. They can be times where you rejuvenate for the week.

LadyFi said...

Oh, how I feel for that little girl!

Some day, some day.. I hope your Sundays will be perfect. You deserve it!

Robynn's Ravings said...

Sounds like you're with the right person to help you see and deal with all the past pain. What a blessing that you're wading through it all. You'll know when you reach drier land. (I don't know if it's ever completely dry, but it does get solid.)

We all need people to know us, REALLY know us, and find that we are worth loving anyway. And it sounds like you have that and you also have someone that can restore your Sundays to you, intact, and ready to be celebrated. ((Big Hugs))

Cinner said...

TechnoBabe, my heart goes out to you and what you went through as a little girl. I am so glad it seems you and james are so in sync. One day you may be able to but for now you just be.You are very much loved out here in blogland, I so appreciate your heart and sharing, and the healing process.

Gary's third pottery blog said...

OH wow. yes, yes it is a good thing you 2 are together.

Juli Ryan said...

Writers are always digging up old wounds. Thank you for sharing your story. Wishing you happy and carefree Sundays in the future. xx

Attila The Mom said...

Oh geez, my heart just leapt into my throat. I'm so glad you found such a special someone to help you through this.

xo

Ms. Bake-it said...

Hello,

Thanks for stopping by and commenting! The RVs are real and have been there since January 2008. In celebration of Airstream's 75th Anniversary the owner of Bates RV buried seven-and-a-half 1957-1994 vintage Airstream trailers in a vacant lot next door to the dealership. It is called Airstream Ranch and was modeled after Cadillac Ranch in Texas. As for the shell necklaces, I am thinking I will create tiebacks with them for the curtains in my living room. I have not quite worked out the details yet but will certainly post about it when I do.

It sounds like you have come a long way in dealing with your past and that you have a wonderful and supportive husband. I pray that soon you will be able to enjoy Sundays.

Tracy

jinksy said...

Hugs just for being you -brave and honest!

Ed Pilolla said...

you are on a remarkable journey, and it's so satisfying as a reader to feel the power of your relationship with james. the cliche says love will conquer all. i wonder if trust and utter transparency are the ingredients of love here. i don't know. i just find your stories so moving.

The Urban Cowboy said...

The relationship you and your husband share is truly one based on love. Now that you are able to see what it is that has caused your Sundays to be full of anxiety, you are half there to ridding it. Here's to you taking back your Sundays, and the light that your uncle obviously had stolen from you.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

How wonderful your partner, lover, friend, was able to break down that wall with you...

Maggie said...

I am glad you have an amazing person by your side that is helping you out each day of your life. And I bet the moment will be soon when you decide to write about your sundays in your city.

Robert the Skeptic said...

For me Sundays were depressing because it meant tomorrow I had to go to a job I hated. But it sounds like you have uncovered a much deeper apprehension regarding Sundays. It's good to acknowledge it.

Shrinky said...

Gah, I feel so angry right now at the casual neglect and random abuse your mother allowed visited upon you, just such a helpless, defenceless child. I am amazed at the intelligent, compassionate, woman you've become. If anyone deserves love in their life, it's you hon. Yes, he IS your soulmate, and even more beautiful, you are also his (hugs).

I so hope you can re-claim back all the happy Sundays you were denied.

KleinsteMotte said...

You have a gem helping you. What I'm learning is how abuse carries itself forward into many the years later. My hubby has only recently been able to describe what happened to him at a young age. to date he screams in terror in his sleep but he's slowly becoming more trusting of those who love him.

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, wow. I'm glad you figured out the root of the problem. Because Sundays are meant to be enjoyed!

I used to hate Sundays too. But then I stopped going to church! All better.

Hilary said...

Sounds to me like you're a good chunk of the way there. You and hubby sounds like a perfect match. Hugs to you.

deb said...

I wish I could hug you , you know.
I'm so glad you have the love of your life to do it, over and over until you are free,
and after
and then some
forever.

love to you,
deb

lisleman said...

I'm not checking in on the virtual blog world this week much because I'm involved with the real world in a good way so access is limited.
I didn't make it here on Sunday and I know that meme/game is all about pictures. The horrible picture you describe here is one that one ever wants to see.
all the best

anne h said...

Memories tucked away - re-discovered and re-examined...but this time, without the reliving all of the angst and fear.... we can look (somewhat) calmly at our past...
I'm glad your kind and gentle mind allows you to make these connections. They are healing.
And your kind and gentle husband!

Unknown Mami said...

Just so you know, I read this on Sunday and I was in tears. My husband was standing over me asking what was wrong and I said, "Nothing, I'm just really touched by this post." Your honesty and courage are amazing. And despite adversity you have managed to become an exceptional person.

I think I forgot to do the word verification and that's why my original comment did not post. My apologies.

mouse (aka kimy) said...

(hugs)

everything - including sundays - in its time

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Such a sad and powerful story! People who molest children changed my mind about the death penalty, which I used not to believe in.

I am so very glad that you have finally found the one person who knows you completely and totally loves you, and look forward with you to a time when Sundays will become just another day to enjoy with your loved ones.

Cheryl said...

How wonderful that you two are together...I really do believe in soul mates, and not said lightly either! I look forward to seeing your Sunday photos!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Your writing is so remarkably honest and open, Techno.

*deep bow of admiration*

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Dear Babe... {{{{HUGS}}}} You and your husband are indeed meant for each other. There is no greater blessing in the world to find the one that was meant for you, is good for you.

Marla said...

Techno, the way you share your heart and soul is the BEST view of where you live that you could ever give any of us.